Three strikes...

Failure.

I feel like it's stamped on my forehead for everyone to see.

I received some news yesterday. From a newsletter.

This is my third "hiring season" as a teacher. The first two were extremely rough. Nothing developed from either and by the time the second one was over, I was tired of the field of education. I still loved teaching but I hated the politics.

Then I got my current job. And I loved it.

Two months ago, I found out they were hiring in my field. I was told by several higher-ups to apply. I felt that it was the right thing...the right place to be...the right timing. I applied and then waited patiently for my turn to be interviewed. I was told that they would happen towards the end of the school year. I was not concerned because I felt so good about it. Others on staff assured me that I was a shoo-in, at least guaranteed an interview.

Yesterday I was in the copy room, running an errand for a teacher. As I walked by the wall, I glanced at the weekly newletter written by the administration. One line stood out...screaming at me. It stated: We are done hiring and placements will be announced this week for the next school year.

I was frozen.

I could see my future...my dream...my career crumbling and blowing away all in a few seconds.

Needless to say, I am crushed.

I hurt.

This is the third year this has happened to me. The constant rejection chisles away at my confidence.

I feel deflated.

People will tell me "not to give up" and "there's gotta be something out there".

I know.

But that doesn't lessen the hurt. The sense of failure. When I look at my graduating class, they all either have teaching jobs or a spouse who supports them while they pursue other interests.

Then there's me.

What am I doing wrong? Why is it everytime I feel so sure, so confident, that THIS is going to be the school, THIS is going to be the job, I end up flat on my back, having no idea what just slammed into me and knocked me down.

I think my compass is broken. I have no idea where I am supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing.